“It doesn’t take a lot of strength to hang on. It takes a lot of strength to let go.” ~ J. C. Watts.

One of the messages that was drilled into me as a child, was to never give up.  There were any number of rhymes or quotes to instill perseverance. ‘If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, and try again.’  Giving up was seen as failure.  Another good one that I learned in primary (elementary) school in Jamaica was even more descriptive: ‘The boy who says I can, will climb to the hilltop.  The boy who says I can’t, will at the bottom stop.’

There was nothing ambiguous about the advice.  And of course it is good advice, for most of us are not immediate experts at anything we attempt the first time.  It is quite humbling whenever you try something new.  Apparently it takes effort, and practice, and persistence and perseverance! Otherwise we would all be star athletes, famous musicians, and brilliant artists!  I have always loved to draw, and whenever I watch that quirky Bob Ross painting his happy clouds, just dabbing away and turning blank canvases into peaceful rural scenes, I am sure I could do that too, if I wanted to!  And yet the reality is much different.  Somehow my pencil does not reproduce what I see in my mind!

Last week I had to think about giving a speech to a graduating class of high schoolers.  And for the record, writing a speech and giving a speech are two different things! But to help spark some ideas, I put the question out to Facebook world.  What do you wish you had been told when you graduated high school, was the question I asked.  And I received plenty of good advice, which I shared at the event.

But there was one piece of advice that jumped out at me: Don’t be afraid to make a U-turn.  Which in a way is the opposite of the advice to never give up.  And yet there are plenty of us who get stuck in situations that are clearly not healthy for us, but don’t know how to extricate ourselves from the mess.

If there is one thing that is clear, it is that life is unpredictable.  We are in control of so much less than we think we are.  I recently heard about three separate and unrelated tragic events which took the lives of eight people suddenly, and without warning.  It so happens that I know some of the people who are related to, or were close friends of the victims.  Which brought home the fact of the fragility of life.  And yet most of us live our lives as if we have all the time in the world.

If we accept the fact of our mortality, and the fact that circumstances change at any moment, we should be freer to be brave, to take chances, to make U-turns.  For many of us it takes a close call with death, an actual encounter with an existential crisis to make us rethink our priorities.  It should not take such an event, since there is no other outcome for any of us!

I recently attended a celebration of life of a man of whom many of those giving tributes to his life mentioned how good he was at giving advice, at mentoring, at being the one that others turned to.  But when you paid closer attention, you heard that he was not so good at listening to others.  Many years ago, I discovered a book that I have since recommended many times over: ‘Codependent no more’ (Melody Beattie is the author).  If I remember correctly, it was a secondhand book I found in a New Age store, at a period in my life when I seemed to be needing answers.  In it I recognized myself.  I was empathetic and caring, excellent traits in a nurse, but in an unhealthy way.  By helping others, in being needed, I managed to avoid seeing the areas where I needed help, those habits that I needed to work on. Knowing that there was a name for it was the beginning of a change in the way I saw myself.

People who are codependent are often drawn into unhealthy relationships, attracted to people who need fixing, or taking care of.  That was me.  I fell in love with and married my Prince Charming, and when I realized that I was in love with a fantasy, not the man, I kept dreaming up ways to help him become the man I thought he was.  It took me long enough to recognize what I was doing wrong, and even longer to admit that I needed to work on me. 

They say that when one door closes, another one opens, but sometimes we have to be the one to close the door, and that takes courage.  At a time when I was venting to a friend, uncertain what I wanted to do about my marriage, she said something very simple.  She reminded me that deciding to stay was still a choice.  And hearing it put that way empowered me.  Even if I was not ready to make that U-turn, to close that door just yet, by doing nothing I was still doing something.  And in time I found I was ready.

Giving a graduation speech is an opportunity to give advice, yet how can you give advice to a group of students who may be quite different from each other, may need totally different messages? I was given a gift by a friend of mine who died recently.  At his funeral his daughter told of one of his acronyms (taken from the world of sales) used for personal and professional development: KASH – Knowledge, Attitude, Skills, Habits.  This stuck with me and I used it to fashion my speech to the ‘graduands’ (a new word for me, meaning those eligible to graduate).  It was simple, memorable, and allowed me to say all I needed to say. 

This Friday morning I hope that you can tell the difference between times when it is important to persevere, and when to let go.  I hope you are doing those things that make you happy, and not waiting for that perfect time in a future that is not promised.  I hope you are sharing your stories, your wisdom, but also recognizing when it is time to listen.  And I hope you know that even after you are gone, there are those who will still be learning from your life, from your legacy.

Have a wonderful weekend, Family!

One Love!

Namaste.