“I’m like a recovering perfectionist. For me it’s one day at a time.” ~ Brene Brown.

When I was eleven, I sat what was known as the ‘Common Entrance Exam’.  This was in Jamaica, and was common to all British based educational systems.  I forget how long it lasted, but it was a serious event, anxiety-provoking, and your performance on the subjects of reading, writing and arithmetic would determine whether you were accepted into the high school of your choice.  The anxiety was quite prolonged but experienced by everyone of your age in the island, and results were published (some three months or so later) in the national newspaper, The Gleaner. 

On the day that results were published, I rose early, and rushed out to the town to get the newspaper as soon as it arrived on the doorstep of the local seller.  I searched through the pages to look for my school, searching for my name.  In tears and panic I returned home, my name was not there!  Fortunately, one of my older siblings noticed that all schools were listed alphabetically, first with the boys’ names, then started over with the girls’ names, and there I was, crisis averted.  I later learned that one of the boys from my school who had also passed, had been rewarded by his parents (local supermarket owners) with a watch.  I went to my mother to question if I was going to be similarly rewarded.  Her answer? ‘All we ever ask of you is that you do your best’.  In other words, no!

I suppose her answer, and my parents’ expectations, should have been some kind of comfort.  They would still have loved me, even if I had not been successful, so long as I had put out my best effort.  It was a common theme, guided by Christian principles.  How does it go? Whatsoever your hand findeth to do, do it will all thy might (forgive my misquote from memory).  But that was a solid work ethic, one which guided me later in life, when I found myself freshly arrived in the USA, a recently graduated State Registered Nurse (in the UK), having to work as a Nurse’s Aide while I awaited my Florida Board results.  It also dictated the kind of supervisor I became later in life, not good at stroking, at congratulating people for doing their job.  That was my base expectation, that if you are here to do a job you do it to the best of your ability. 

There was another aspect to the ‘do your best’ directive, and in my mind at some point it turned into an expectation of perfectionism.  There should be no room for errors.  My mother (also my typing instructor in high school, and one who did not encourage fooling around in class time) had very high standards.  She expected speed and accuracy in her typists – one was no use without the other.  She was just as hard on herself, and had to be, since part of her role as minister’s wife was to be the creator and publisher of printed programs in the days before copy machines.  She was able to design and illustrate programs which were folded like greeting cards, with content on all four pages, by drawing and typing on one sheet of a many layered template.  This would then be coated and inked, to print the black and white programs (I believe the machine was called a Gestetner?).  A team of ‘volunteers’ would then line up to fold and crease them for whichever upcoming event.  No room for errors!

It took many years after leaving home, to learn that perfection was not the same as excellence, and I can still hear her critique in my head when something I have done has not turned out exactly the way it should have.  But although no one has ever asked that we be perfect, that does not mean we should not strive to be better: better parents, better at relationships, better human-beings.

I recently went in for a check-up with a new doctor (new to me), after a couple of years of my usual practice of only seeking medical attention when I couldn’t self-diagnose and self-treat!  Like many nurses, I have this expectation of being able to fix myself, thank you very much!  So of course, I have been undergoing blood work and more as warranted for a woman of my age.  As a person who is reasonable healthy and consider myself to be fairly fit, it is humbling to recognize that I could be doing a better job of taking care of myself.  And it is only through objective assessments (like LDL values) that you can measure whether you are doing a good enough job.  And so I am reexamining my life, to see what I can do to get in a state of ‘better-being’, not just well-being.

When we educate nursing students about patient teaching (one of the big roles of the nursing profession), we have to help them understand human nature, and what it takes to make changes in your habits.  There is a lovely acronym for things we can do (without a prescription) to improve our health: TLC. And this does not stand for ‘Tender Loving Care’, but rather ‘Therapeutic Lifestyle Changes’.  We all know how hard it is to give up bad habits, but what does it take to motivate us?  For some it takes a scare, a visit to an Emergency Room, a near miss, or perhaps a friend being diagnosed with a stroke.  Sometimes we need a push, a friendly nudge.  For some, it is not until the damage is done that we wish we had eaten differently, exercised more, taken better care of ourselves.  But if we are lucky, we get the opportunity to make those lifestyle changes when they can still benefit us.

Apart from the physical, there is also the question of whether we are being our best selves.  This is different from ‘living our best lives’ which seems to involve being free to do whatever you want!  But in the Maslow’s ‘self-actualization’ model, are we living up to our highest potential?  There was a time in my life when I felt paralyzed, as if I was on auto-pilot: working, paying bills, taking care of the household etc. I recognized that I was definitely not living up to my potential, and wrote myself a poem entitled ‘The Who I ought to be’.  I don’t know the rest of the poem, but I started to write short and long-term goals for myself, to help me move to the next level.

There are times when we may be too driven, and miss the simple truths in life.  It is not always about achieving academic honors, or the highest promotion.  It may be simply about being kind to others; living a life of gratitude; doing things that may make a difference for future generations (like planting a tree!).  Or as my mother might say, simply doing your best.

This Friday morning I hope you have learned not to expect perfection of yourself.  I hope you can make those changes you need to be healthy, to find your ‘better-being’.  I hope that you (and I) can keep striving to be your best, without making yourself crazy!

Have a wonderful weekend, Family!

One Love!

Namaste.