“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” ~ Viktor E. Frankl.

I was not a child who could shrug off being teased.  As the youngest I was particularly sensitive to being a step behind everyone else.  My plaintive cry, whenever the family would talk about old times, or show old family photos, was: ‘Was I born?’ and the answer always seemed to be no, ‘That was before you were born!’ It didn’t take much to get me upset, which of course made teasing that much more fun for my siblings.  I’m not saying they all teased me, but it felt as if there was a lot of laughter at my expense.  Of course when you are little it is very hard to distinguish being laughed at, with people laughing at your cuteness.  We have all seen videos of kids doing adorable things (dancing like no one is watching) to the hilarity of the audience.  The child either decides to never dance in public again, or grows up to be a famous dancer!

I can’t say that as an adult I have learned to laugh with those who are laughing at me, but I no longer withdraw and cry! When my kids were little I saw that some kids learn how to turn taunting back on the one who taunts.  I observed that one of my kids had the ability to use a quick retort to turn the joke back on the one who started it, and thus ended up with the last laugh.

Over the past week I found myself in counseling mode with two young people who were having a hard time in their lives.  Both used the word ‘triggered’ in their explanation of their behavior.  I had to advise both of them that they could not live their life avoiding all ‘triggers’.  Life, I told them, is triggering.  If you can only control your responses when you are not triggered, then you are not in control at all, for you cannot control the behavior of those around you.

It is hard to learn that the only thing we have control over is our response to life.  So many of us believe that we can control events, and when we can’t, our world falls apart.  Of course, I recognize that there are those who have suffered such severe trauma that they need to be warned, and we often hear that warning before stories on traumatic or violent events, to be better prepared. 

Most of us can stand to do some work on ourselves, to start with self-reflection and analyze the things we do, and how we can be better people.  I remember many years ago, after reading a lot of Buddhist tracts, and trying to be a more enlightened person, helping a class of students learn ways to reduce anxiety before an exam.  I had taken them on a ‘guided imagery’ tour from their seats in the classroom.  In a calm soothing voice, I had them close their eyes, feel the firmness of the back of the chair, the floor beneath their feet, hands and legs uncrossed, eyes closed.  Then I took them on a nature walk, through the woods where the sunlight dappled through the leaves, a cool (but not too cool) breeze blew gently against their face, and in the distance they could hear the babble of a stream, rushing down the hill on the way to join a river below.  The walk would include a moment when they could stop, see a rainbow in a spray of the waterfall, and know that everything they needed to know was right there. 

Once I brought them back to their classroom, I would feel how the energy in the room had changed, from high anxiety to calm.  And it felt good. I would give myself a little pat on the back.  On this particular day I noticed that one student still had his textbook on his desk, after I had told them to remove all of their belongings.  The student picked up the book and dropped it loudly on the floor and I went from Zen to irate in zero seconds flat! And had to talk myself back down!

It takes a continuous conscious effort not to react to life’s provocations. Pema Chodron, is a Buddhist nun and teacher. She has written extensively, and in one story she tells of her early years, learning to meditate and to become a nun.  She was in a monastery in London, and the daily routine would include chores, (floor scrubbing, dish washing, etc.) as well as long hours of silent meditation.  Two of her fellow students had a particularly hard time, complaining every day about the chores they had been assigned, about how hard it was for them to sit motionless and silent for so long.  Pema went to the abbot and asked him why he didn’t tell the complainers to leave, since they were not benefiting from being there.  ‘Ah,’ he told her, ‘they are here for your benefit’.  We often do not recognize the lessons we are given, knowing how perfect we would be if only it weren’t for everyone else in our lives!

We may not be able to choose what happens around us, but we can always choose how we respond.  This is the challenge, to live in such a way that everyday annoyances don’t make us lose our cool, that the behavior of others doesn’t spoil our day.  This is easier said than done, and we need frequent reminders that we are not there yet, that life is a work in progress.

This Friday morning I hope that you are able to keep your Zen-like attitude despite all of life’s triggers.  I hope that you can find joy in strange places, and stay calm amid the craziness of our world.  And please be patient with me when my perfectly enlightened structure shows wear and tear.  We are all spirits in a material world (thanks Sting!).

Have a wonderful weekend, Family!

One Love!

Namaste.