“Every moment of light and dark is a miracle.” ~ Walt Whitman.

Confession time.  There have been a couple of times in my life when my fantasies have helped me to make a decision.  I realized that I needed to end my marriage when I had started to think my life would be better if my husband were not alive.  How sad is that?  That in order for me to feel happy, another person’s life had to end.  In a way though it was good, for it helped me to realize the wall that I had hit.  And to acknowledge that although I could not be happy living with him, he was not a bad person.  Sadly, his own health issues, irrigated with alcohol, ensured that he would not live past 60, which by then was out of my control. 

Another of my embarrassing fantasies was related to my work.  It so happened that the most stressful position that I held in my entire career was my last full-time position.  It came with a lot of responsibility and accountability, and workdays that did not end when you clocked out.  There was a point at which I began to fantasize about developing dementia.  After all, if my short-term memory was gone, how could I do my job?  And that was when I realized that I had to plan my exit strategy, my way to retirement.  For I have seen many examples of loved ones with dementia, and that is not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

There are times when we look at other people’s lives and wonder what it would be like to inhabit them.  I remember once being quite fascinated by the daily routine of a resident of one of the Nursing Homes that we would take our nursing students to.  This lady (who had a mental health disorder) would wake up in a terrible mood each day, and proceed to curse out everyone in her presence.  This was done in Creole, so we didn’t understand her words, but her attitude was undeniable.  She would stomp, and make violent hand gestures, while seeming to describe her observers in very colorful and uninhibited fashion.  What would that be like, I wondered, to be so free, so unencumbered by societal expectations, to walk around cussing out everyone?  Later in the day she would be cooperative, telling jokes, as if she was another person altogether.  Freedom!

Human beings have the ability to imagine, to fantasize, to dream.  Sometimes we do it to the point of obsession, worrying about how things will turn out, focusing on the ‘what ifs’.  Our current uncertain time has certainly pushed us to that point, especially if, like me, you were not born in this country.  What if, all of a sudden, someone decides that my status should be revoked, what if I am deemed to have an opinion, an experience, an unfortunate life event that the current administration deems unacceptable?  But this is where those fantasies start to flourish.  What is the worst that could happen?

I once had a girlfriend, a Trini (born in Trinidad) who had obtained an H-1 visa (permission to work in this country).  She had not listened when they explained to her that this only gave her the right to work, and only for the company that sponsored her.  It did not include the right to travel out of the country.  The immigration officers at the border would be under no obligation to readmit her, should she decide to leave the US.  The minute she obtained the stamp in her passport, she booked her ticket home, finally, a vacation.  On return to Miami, the Immigration officer looked at her passport and informed her that she was not entitled to return to the US, and that he could send her home.  ‘Send me home?’ she asked, in surprise and delight, ‘You want to send me home? That’s great! Let me go back right now!’  But, explained the officer, don’t you want me to call someone at your job to verify that you have a right to stay here? ‘You want me to stay? That’s ok! I’ll go back home right now!’  No, he persisted, I could call your job, confirm with your HR person that you are entitled to be here.  What is the name of your hospital (she was a nurse by the way). Finally, with her acting (like Brer Rabbit) as if being sent home was the best thing that could happen to her, and with him making the calls and verifying her employment, he actually let her back into the US! 

Like my friend, I have been thinking about alternatives.  Would it be the worst thing in the world to move out of the US right now?  Of course, doing it under your own steam, as a matter of choice, with the appropriate planning and preparation, is far different from being detained, locked in a Louisiana jail (or worse) or being dumped somewhere with no access to your life as you knew it.  And, unlike many of those so detained, I have the legal right to be here.  For now.   But these are uncertain times.

I have to be honest that I thought twice about standing with others last weekend.  Over 1200 protests were peaceful, estimations of over 3 million people in attendance over the US, with only one report (that I saw) of potential violence.  There were no arrests (that I heard of), no ICE agents standing by, ready to check citizenship status and revoke it on a whim.  This is a time when those with something to lose have to think about personal safety before the good of the country.  Those who belong to minorities, who most recently have been turned into suspects by the elimination of DEI, the deletion of their history and contributions to the life of this country, have had to recognize how easily they can be erased, their rights eroded once more.  It is up to those who on the surface appear to be what this administration deems as ‘true Americans’, those non-immigrant, heterosexual white people, to be the face of the protests.  And let’s not even mention those whose ancestors were on this land when those white people first landed.

It is a crazy time to be alive.  I am not the only one feeling as if the ground on which I stand is shaky.  Global economies are also trembling, waiting for the next shock wave to come.  World powers are posturing, and I am sure it won’t be long before we start hearing more about nuclear deterrents, that which can only bring about the end of the world.  As the big boys play out their bullying games in the schoolyard, showing off their tariffs (mine is bigger than yours!), we the people of the world know that real-life consequences will assure the destruction of the fragile balance that most of the world clings to.  While the ultra-rich can afford wild vacillations of stock markets (in fact, can benefit from it, especially with tips from you know who), those of us who need our 401K funds, our retirement nest eggs, can only hope that we can ride out the storm. 

Fortunately, there are things in life (the best, they say) that are free.  My garden is now rich with birds, ever since we indulged in a bird feeder (with a camera!).  We can see the comings and goings of an assortment of birds (and a squirrel!) who come to visit us.  I have joined the local library and so can obtain electronic books (no need to even drive there!) or audible recordings to listen to on drives out and about.  Noticing the movement of the birds, the growth of tomato and pepper shoots, the sight of the wind bending the trees, these are tariff-free pleasures.  In the midst of all of the uncertainties, the moon continues to wax and wane every twenty-eight days.  The earth continues to rotate around the sun.  We can continue to hope that sooner or later, common sense will prevail, a restoration of justice will return, and karma will be visited upon those who most deserve it.

Have a wonderful weekend, Family!

One Love!

Namaste.