“I learned a long time ago the wisest thing I can do is be on my own side, be an advocate for myself and others like me.” ~ Maya Angelou.

One night this week I awoke from a dream that had a very clear message, so clear that I immediately texted myself (my method of jotting down notes) a reminder: the name of the first hospital I worked at after I arrived in this country from the UK over 45 years ago.  It was one of those dreams that made perfect sense, at the time.  I was working at the hospital, and telling a group of nursing students a story from my early days.  The story (which was true) was of the time I was told by a physician to start an intravenous line (IV) on a patient, and I said I would have another nurse do it.  I explained that in the UK nurses did not start IVs (well midwives did, but I was not a midwife).  To which he made a very disparaging comment about the British and the Boston Tea Party.

I was baffled and bemused, but aware that I should be insulted, but since I had never studied US history I was not sure what had happened at the Boston Tea Party, and what that had to do with me!  Looking back at that story today, I still have no idea what his point was, but the impression that I got was that I should go back to the UK.  And it was not long before I learned to start my own IVs.

I was never good at confrontations, or standing up for myself.  I was the youngest of five children, and I remember being teased and ending up in tears.  Later in life, if I found myself in an argument, my witty and pointed responses would not occur to me until long after the discussion was over.  It didn’t help that I married a man who was extremely quick-witted and very forceful in disagreements.  My strategy usually was to withdraw and shut down, unable or unwilling to match his arguments.  Later on, my eldest child, a girl, watched one such quarrel, and asked me why I let her father yell at me like that, ‘You’re not his slave. Women have rights too!’ She was probably around ten at the time, and being a Libra, she liked balance and fairness.  My response was that I found it more effective to get my points across to him after he had cooleddown, but I realized that I was being observed and not setting a great example for her.

As she grew older she continued to stand up to her father, especially if she felt he was being unfair or irrational, resulting in some memorable tussles between them.  I would find myself the arbitrator, the mediator, trying to defend his position to her, and explain her response to him.  We want our daughters to be strong, to stand up for themselves, not to be (like I was at the time) passive and quiet, waiting our turn.  Unfortunately, most Caribbean fathers (as he was) grew up learning that children must obey, must never talk back, and must always show respect.  Standing up for yourself, going toe-to-toe with one’s father is not appreciated!

Unfortunately, many women of my generation and before were not taught to be assertive or to stand up for ourselves, especially against strong, opinionated men.  In healthcare, nurses, who have to be advocates for their patients and themselves, often have to develop strategies for dealing with those physicians who do not see nurses as colleagues, but as subordinates.  I remember being astonished at hearing a recently graduated nurse telling us the story of calling a physician in the middle of the night regarding a patient in the ICU.  He began yelling at her, to which she replied that she was just doing her job, and that he should do his! I was quite proud of her, excited to see a new generation in action, could this be the change we were waiting for?

It is not only nurses that need to find a better way of advocating for themselves and others in the workplace.  Those family members who play the role of caregivers for their loved ones must often recognize when the burden gets too great.  A friend of mine was once caring for her father at her home, at a time when she also was working, and the mother of two school-aged children.  Although her siblings would help out for an afternoon, she was becoming exhausted, having to get up every couple of hours during the night to turn him.  As she realized that her own health was suffering, she called a family meeting to let her siblings know that they would have to place him in a Skilled Nursing Facility.  If her siblings objected, they were free to move him into their homes and take on that full-time role.  She knew the most important concept in caregiving which is to take care of yourself.

This week I watched in awe as a female candidate for president faced a hostile interviewer in an unfriendly environment, and admired her capacity for remaining calm, collected, and able to stand her ground.  In our current political world we see just how uneven the playing field is.  The two candidates for President of the USA are treated completely differently, held to vastly different standards.  Perhaps because of her career (a lawyer), perhaps because she too is a Libra, she was not fazed by the ‘gotcha’ questions but was able to get her points across and demonstrate her professionalism, her toughness, and above all, how qualified she is to be President. Unfortunately the same cannot be said for her competitor in the race.

This Friday morning, as I wake up in a cooler clime than usual, I look forward to a world where the rules are fair for all.  I am hopeful that we can confront the injustices and unfair practices that handicap progress and create a world where everyone can live up to their potential.  I applaud all of the ‘kick-ass’ women who kick high enough to shatter glass ceilings and set examples for generations to come.  And to those caregivers, remember to advocate for yourself.

Have a wonderful weekend, Family!

One Love!

Namaste.